I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
