just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
