Buhtt sex?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
