Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
