Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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