is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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