My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
