watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
