Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
