I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
