he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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