Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
