Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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