cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
