Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize