Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
