im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Randomize
