1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
