my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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