and she was petting her beer can
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
