She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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