i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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