she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
