Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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