If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
