That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
