Who wears a wallet chain?!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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