I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
