so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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