What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize