I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
