wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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