I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
