It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
