My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
