Rock
Scissors
Fuck
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
