party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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