Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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