Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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