if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just invented taco cereal.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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