i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
