So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
