Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
