Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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