he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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