READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
