Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
