How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
