I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
