my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
