Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Randomize
