come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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