OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
