New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
