I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Randomize
