please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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