Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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