I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
