You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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