don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Is Oprah even human
We're too hungover to prance.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
