Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
