just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
