dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You ruined the universe
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
