i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
