hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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