If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
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