I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
